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 Once upon a time there was a child.

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Jochon
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PostSubject: Once upon a time there was a child.   Mon May 31, 2010 6:15 am

Once upon a time there was a child, a sick child. The child had a strange and horrible disease called "caractitus". It was a disease that would slowly decompose the child's limbs, one by one. It would be a terrible and painful process that would last for several years, and there was no cure.

One night the child looked out of the hospital window and saw a shining star out in the deep, dark void that was space. There were many stars on the heavens, but this one was special. The child didn't know why, but it was certain that the star had magical powers. The child decided to make a wish, like in the stories its mother had told it before she died in a car accident. "Twinkle twinkle little star, please cure me of this horrible curse." the child wished, and for some reason, the star began to twinkle, as if it had responded to the child. the child went to sleep, with great hopes for tomorrow.

The next day a man was sitting on the child's hospital bed. It was an elderly gentleman, with silver grey hair, and a thick beard covering half of his face. He was smiling and had the kindest eyes the child had ever seen in its short lifetime, there was something magical about him. The child asked him curiously "Did the little star send you to help me?" the old man didn't answer, instead he put a big bag on the end of the child's bed. It contained strange tools and a purple bottle filled a shimmering liquid. The old man told the child to drink the liquid from the purple bottle and then rest, the old man said "I'm going to solve all of your problems". The child, believing the old man was sent by the twinkling star, was more than eager enough to drink the entire bottle and lay back, waiting to be cured. The child fell asleep with a smile on its face.

The next day, employees from the nearby Doctor Hagerling's Mental Institution came and collected an escaped patient. The patient, and old smiling gentleman, was being dragged down the hallway by two men dressed in white. The child were lying in its bed, mutilated beyond recognition by some homemade tools, after losing its consciousness from a powerful purple drug called "dratiomine". The dead child had no living family that could grant it a proper burial, and so it was dumped in the city river.

The End


Last edited by Jochon on Mon May 31, 2010 9:37 am; edited 1 time in total
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Jamie
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PostSubject: Re: Once upon a time there was a child.   Mon May 31, 2010 6:25 am

Beautiful.

I'll give a few criticisms later once I've read it a few more times.

Keep it up Very Happy
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Jamie
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PostSubject: Re: Once upon a time there was a child.   Mon May 31, 2010 7:31 am

Got it.

There are a few things I noticed, but they might be purposely there:

" the star had magical powers - Please, that sounds a little silly. Godly powers, power beyond humans, power over fate, the star was enchanted, something like that.

"great hopes for tomorrow." - Greater

" there was something magical about him" - It's alright, but mysterious or otherworldly would be nice.

" It contained with strange tools and a purple bottle filled a shimmering liquid." - I think the with should be taken out.

"the old man said he were gonna solve all of the child's problems." - Either one of these works:

The old man said he was going to solve the child's problem
"I'm gonna solve all of your problems"

"were more than eager enough" - Was more than eager enough.

The next day, epmloyees from the nearby Doctor Hagerling's Mental Institution came and collected an escaped patient. The patient, and old smiling gentleman, was being dragged down the hallway by to men dressed in white. The child were lying in its bed - Correction:

The next day, epmloyees from the nearby Doctor Hagerling's Mental Institution came and collected an escaped patient. The patient, and old smiling gentleman, was being dragged down the hallway by 2/two men dressed in white. The child was lying in its bed

That's all. The story is brilliant, but I think you might have missed a few things while proof reading.

But as I said, they might have been intentional.

Please post more stories Very Happy
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Jochon
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PostSubject: Re: Once upon a time there was a child.   Mon May 31, 2010 9:45 am

Thanks for the constructive criticism, I corrected everything except for the "magical" parts, they're supposed to reflect the mind of the child. Smile

P.S. The "to" was an embarresing typo, and the "with" was a leftover word from when I changed my formulation before I posted it. Neutral

EDIT: I forgot, the reason I decided to write "great hopes for tomorrow" instead of "greater hopes for tomorrow" is because the child had no hope whatsoever prior to the "twinkling star" incident. It has no family and literally nothing to look forward to in the comming years. That's a fairly hopeless situation, wouldn't you say? Wink


Last edited by Jochon on Mon May 31, 2010 9:59 am; edited 1 time in total
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Jamie
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PostSubject: Re: Once upon a time there was a child.   Mon May 31, 2010 9:47 am

Jochon wrote:
Thanks for the constructive criticism, I corrected everything except for the "magical" parts, they're supposed to reflect the mind of the child. Smile

P.S. The "to" was an embarresing typo, and the "with" was a leftover word from when I changed my formulation before I posted it. Neutral

Ah right, I get it now.

10/10 for this story. Hope to see more from you.
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Jochon
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PostSubject: Re: Once upon a time there was a child.   Mon May 31, 2010 10:04 am

Thank you, your praise warms my heart.

I can't promise anything as I'm a writer of circumstances, but if I ever find myself being creative on the bus again, I'll put something new in. Cool
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Jamie
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PostSubject: Re: Once upon a time there was a child.   Mon May 31, 2010 10:05 am

Jochon wrote:
Thank you, your praise warms my heart.

I can't promise anything as I'm a writer of circumstances, but if I ever find myself being creative on the bus again, I'll put something new in. Cool

XD Alright.

Boredom does ignite the creativeness inside of us.
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